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Is there a j in marawana
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing