“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Sign of the day..
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.