“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
You Might Also Like
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.