I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
You Might Also Like
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER