‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Finally, a door that understands me
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?