Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.