Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade