flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
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Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Shortcut
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am