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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*