It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.