sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I have so many questions.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
In space, no one can hear…
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.