🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
God has abandoned us.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.