So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
You Might Also Like
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m about to risk it all
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.