Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain