Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
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I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.