My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”