“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
tourist season
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me