COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget