Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now