My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Bless you
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices