I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.