ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
You Might Also Like
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.