“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.