I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Bootstraps
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.