My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.