Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit