I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
You Might Also Like
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
found my next D&D character name
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Home is where your toilet is.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
relationship goals
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.