Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You Might Also Like
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Pigeon open mic night.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you