I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
LMAO.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?