Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
they really do be looking like this
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.