Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –