I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.