I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it