[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”