breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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12653.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.