[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When can I start eating bats again.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.