I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.