[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
me, too, girl. me, too.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
*puts words between two asterisks*
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.