[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.