My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
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Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.