worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
don’t be scared
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
TRAIN’S HERE
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this