I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
You Might Also Like
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.