A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about