Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
everyone’s a critic