What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
As the Lord intended
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.