I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.