Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.