My god she’s good.
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Ferrari squats
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay