TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
A friend sent me this.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom