Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
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You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
adam and eve had first world problems
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now